Men are not from Mars but they are often alienated from their own inner world. They often do not have access to their feelings, needs and desires. Their estrangement from themselves makes it hard to connect in meaningful ways with their partners. The isolation of men is widespread and severe. Research shows that as men get older they often have only one male friend and their social networks, compared to those of women, are much weaker.
Whereas
men still retain certain advantages in our society, the structures of
traditional male identity and privilege have been under attack. Many
boys and men have not yet found healthy ways to come to terms with these
profound changes and are often confused about what it means to be a
man. Traditional role models as well as macho images from movies and
sports are no longer adequate. Many young men are actually seeking ways
to forge an identity that allows them both to be strong and tough and to
be in contact with deeper feelings and creativity.
As
a whole our culture lacks meaningful rituals of initiation into manhood
and masculinity. Instead of integrating the "little boy aspects", we
often either deny or indulge them. The result is often an extended
adolescence that can last into the thirties and beyond and inhibits the
development of a solid self. This solidity is a prerequisite for the
ability to commit and assume responsibilities in a a mature way. As a result many
women have to deal with the inability and unwillingness of many men
to form committed relationships. Therapists who are themselves
"uninitiated" are handicapped in their capacity to help these men to
overcome their commitment issues. It is also important for the couples
therapist to be aware of the different styles women and men use to
relate and express feelings and not inadvertently force the male
partners into a "female" mode of relating.
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